Memoirs of Gilderoy Lockhart
by horsegal-98
Summary: Everyone's favourite wizard had released another book after having his memory restored. This may seem a tad sappy, both because it is in Lockhart's POV but also cos i wrote it and I love Lockhart...
1. My early memories

Memoirs of Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
By Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
Chapter one-My early memories  
I was always a dashing chap. Even in my youth, girls flocked to me and every boy wanted to be my friend, I guess to soak up some of my limelight. I think there was a special light around me when I was born, and perhaps, a shooting star, a comet, and a volcanic eruption too prove how special I was. I hope one day that my theory is proved, then they can call the comet: Gilderoy Lockhartess.Nice sounding, isn't it?  
  
By the time I was old enough to go to Hogwarts, I had grown women following me around, practically stalking me, but, hey, I was loving every moment of it, wasn't I? Looking back now, I guess I must have got my sly wit and devilish good looks from my father. I never met the man, but I saw his photograph once. I inherited his thick, luscious, wavy golden hair of the sun from him, and my eyes that are blue like the loveliest sky, but even he lacked the certain charismatic touch /aura I have around myself.  
  
When I went to Hogwarts, I was sure I would be placed in Gryffindor or perhaps even Ravenclaw. No, it was defiantly Gryffindor. I mean, they are meant to be the fearless, the brave and the devilishly good looking, right? That house, I am sure, was chosen after my key traits. Anyways, you can imagine my shock when that old hat (which, I must add is a major fashion no- no, I mean, those seams!) placed me in Hufflepuff. I was shocked. Then I said no, I said no, no I said, I said, defiantly not, I said I decline, I said veto. Anyways, I was so stunned I said, "I decline the offer, you silly old hat," And I simply walked straight out of that drafty hall, and caught that train straight back home. I was sure a young, handsome wizard could make a living for himself without school. And wasn't I right?  
  
Anyways, I enrolled myself in a muggle acting school. Fun and games ahead! Oh we had fun for the longest while, I mean, those muggle's are so stupid they're hilarious! I met all fine people who went on to be absolutely spiffing actors (I gave them a few pointers, and it shows, it really shows). To name a few of my friends from the muggle acting school is relatively easy, as I was liked by everyone. I catch up with one another time to time, they are always begging me to do one spell for them or another. Though it hasn't happened since I helped Billy Zane clear up his little problem with his car (publishers note-unauthorised by Lockhart-Billy Zane spent seven months in hospital after the first time he tried to drive his newly-fixed car).Oh, I'm getting side tracked again, aren't I? Well that can happen when you've written fourteen biographies. Every time I write one, it seems, I am asked to write another one! (Though of course, each if very different and inexpensive)Anyways, these names mean a lot to me: Arnold Schrawzengeer, Johnie Deepp, Kenneth Brainer, Victor Garbay or Garbett or Garber or something, slipped my mind, Braindan Frasier, David Boring-as, Paul McCartener and Billy, oh and Rupert Redford or Redholden or something. Of course, I had several muggle girlfriends, to name a few: Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, Britney Spears, Marilyn Munroe, oh I wont bore you with the details. (unauthorised publisher note-Lockhart was charged and taken into custody for the abduction of Britney Spears, and the others all took out AVO's against him)  
  
I made modest success as a muggle actor-I starred in over 67 commercials on what muggle's call T.D, I was in 56 movies, which play on what muggle's call the "big spleen", and I became somewhat of an expert on muggles.  
  
I made my entry back into the wizard world five years later-I was spotted busking on Diagon Alley when I was given a job modelling for Witch Wizard's men's fashion's magazine. Since then I decided to devote my life to ridding the world of evil, and have been made a honouree member of Merlin, third class ( the highest, though the ministry of magic is considering making a new level just for me, fourth class) (unauthorised publisher note-this was later proved to be fictional, and in fact third class is the lowest), and I have also won witch-weekly's most charming smile award five times in a row. My books are also among my finest achievements, having topped all best seller charts for at least five months each (Unauthorised publisher note- this is, oddly enough true, certain witches do find him attractive, though it is doubtable why)  
  
I will briefly mention some of my greatest achievements (unauthorised publisher's note-I have cut of this passage here, it went on for another thirty pages listing his achievements, trust me, your not missing anything)  
  
I have decided to fire the publisher of this book and replace him with a more able publisher-a Mrs Molly Weasly. Mrs Weasly is one of my greatest fans. Anyway, back to me. After my release of magical me, I noticed in the daily prophet as I was reading the love poems published in the personal section dedicated to me, I noticed that Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry needed a teacher for defence against the dark arts. I remembered the fond times I had there, and decided to apply. Needless to say, I fought of the hundreds of other applicants (who were all very talented, for instance, I beat professor Snape to it, and, err, lots of others whose names have slipped my mind) and was given the job. 


	2. A reckoning

Authors note: The loves of Lockhart is not entirely my play, adapted from a play by Adele Lang and Susi Rajah  
  
Memoirs of Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
By Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
Chapter two-a reckoning  
I arrived at Hogwarts three days before term was due to start. I was welcomed by a lovely chap, Dumbledore, who I must say is absolutely spiffing even if he has no idea of what goes with what, and probably shops from Wal-Mart or Target or The Reject Shop, or steals clothes from orphans or something. Anyways, Dumbledore reminded me of a man that was in The Sound Of Music-a truly spiffing muggle movie. Speaking of movies, I take this time to insert a copy of the movie I am currently working on that I hope to release some time next year.  
The Loves Of Lockhart* (Lockhart initially wanted to call it The loves of Lockhart: A midsummer Night's dream, but someone named William-something had thoughtlessly used the title first. It goes without saying, Lockhart's version would have been much better)  
  
The Loves of Lockhart  
  
Written by Lockhart. Produced by Lockhart. Directed by Lockhart. Starring Lockhart.  
  
IMPORTANT: No performance of this play may be given unless written permission has been obtained from Lockhart and he is allowed to produce, direct, and star in it.  
  
Cast of characters  
  
Lockhart: Played by himself. (the unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courageous-not to mention terrifically handsome-hero of the play, around whom all the action revolves.  
  
The beautiful heroine (though not as beautiful as Lockhart), played by you.(minor though supporting role)  
  
The beautiful heroine's more beautiful (though not as beautiful as Lockhart rival, in this instance played by Reese Witherspoon.( This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realise just what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when he chooses her)  
  
The much less exciting man, played by Brad Pitt(this role is really just that of an extra-a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Lockhart. Naturally, there is no chance of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Lockhart.  
  
N.B All the characters are in modern wizard costume. Lockhart is wearing fautless, immaculately tailored turquoise robes which set of his eyes, hair, height and colouring perfectly. As for the rest of the cast, well, it doesn't really matter what they're wearing, does it?  
  
Act one  
  
Scene:the tastefully and delightfully appointed drawing room of Lockhart's house. The beautiful heroine, the beautiful heroine's-more-beautiful-rival and the much-less-exciting man are all present and seated. (the very appreciative audience are all seated but not visible).There is an air of melancholy about the three as they are all desperatly missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing room doors are flung open with a flourish and Gilderoy Lockhart enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming, sparkling presence.  
  
Lockhart:(Looking around)Hello, everybody.Why so glum?Have you been missing the sparkling presence of your charming host?  
  
(the very appreciative audience bursts into wild applause making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes)  
  
Lockhart:(starting to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs and occasional fainting of the very appreciative audience-showing to the world he is not the egotist he is wrong full reported to be)Well?(once again Lockhart shows why he is regarded as the saviour of the lost art of drawing room conversation)  
  
The beautiful heroine, and the beautiful heroine's less beautiful rival (B.H.L.B.R) (in unison whilst gazing longingly at Lockhart-as one does):Yes, we've missed you terribly. Life is not the same without you.  
  
Lockhart:(Brushing off this blatant but understandable adoration)How about a drink, then? Where is that maid of mine?(spotting beautiful heroine)Get us all a drink, will you, love?  
  
(the beautiful heroine/maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, grateful to be of use to her-and every bodies-hero.)  
  
The Much less exciting man (opens his mouth to say something):Um-(He realises just in time he can never say anything to compete to the witty, intelligent conversation of Lockhart and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man's natural superiority.)  
  
Lockhart: Rather flighty chap, isn't he? (allowing us a glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man. Indeed it causes much murmuring in the very appreciative audience. At this point, The beautiful heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone. Neither she nor The B.H.M.B.R even notices the much-less-exciting man has left. It is difficult for them to notice anything else when Lockhart is in the room.)  
  
Lockhart(Taking a drink and a handful of the delicate, mouth-watering pastries the beautiful heroine whipped up whilst she was fetching the drinks):Hey, these are good. (The very appreciative audience spontaneously burst into thunderous cheering at this heartfelt compliment to the beautiful heroine, because it indicates Lockhart knows women like it when you say nice stuff to them and also shows he is not swayed by mere physical beauty. After all, the B.H.M.B.R is better-looking but Lockhart never said anything to her.)  
  
Lockhart:(Playing to the audience):Yes. (nods, causing himself to look even ore thoughtful and handsome)very good indeed. (The very appreciative audience erupts once more and the B.H.M.B.R dashes off to the kitchen in an attempt to gain Lockhart's attention)  
  
Lockhart(To the beautiful heroine, demonstrating his awesome powers of observation):It looks like we're alone.  
  
CURTAIN. (the very appreciative audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing observation to the genius responsible for the play)  
  
I'm planning to follow it with a sequel: The loves of Lockhart: To be or not to be. Yes, it's rather good isn't it? Anyway, back to Dumbledore. He welcomed me very graciously to Hogwarts and showed me my room. 


	3. Gilderoy LockhartMidas man

Memoirs of Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
By Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
Chapter three-Gilderoy Lockhart-Midas Man  
  
After Dumbledore showed me my room, I started unpacking, and as you can imagine, that took the best part of the three days. Before I knew it, I was watching the students file into the great (rather drafty, actually) hall. I noticed the same girl I had spotted a while ago at my appearance at the bookstore, flourish and blotts, in Diagon Alley to commemorate the release of Magical Me. She is actually rather youngish, I suppose, and her hair needed a few potions, but she did have potential. I smile even now when I think of her name:Hermione Granger. It was obvious to me that she was fixated with me. I could see it in her eyes(which I would just like to point out, although are not blue and exquisite like mine, are brown and pretty enough).  
  
When I sat down, the only seat left was next to a man I had never met before which, upon my first ever-so-perceptive glance, revealed to me as being a cold, chilling kind of chap. I immediately introduced myself. "I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, order of Merlin, third class, honorary member of the dark force protection league and five times winner of the witch weekly's most charming smile award"  
  
"Severus Snape,"Was all he said. I made another brave stab at conversation, mainly listing my achievements and quoting my books at every possible interval to keep the conversation interesting. Snape, however, silenced me with a death glare, and I hesitated, and turned to face the man beside me.  
  
"Rather chilly chap, isn't he?" The man I had spoken to was the largest I had ever seen. Not a good look, and his hair is just unspeakable, really. Not that he is a bad man, but he just couldn't compare with me and my witty comments and barely managed to grunt his replies.  
  
"Rebeus Hagrid, pleased to met 'yer, you'll be Gilderoy Lockhar' won' yer?"  
  
"Charmed to meet you, my dear man," I was too side tracked for chit-chat, even though my comments were both thrilling and intellectual. My thoughts were entirely on the girl with the bewitching smile, who was without a doubt, the most divine creature I had ever met.(apart from myself, I know)My fork kept missing my plate as we gaped at eachother.Pure chemistry was flung between her and me. I just hoped she would be one of my students. But now, I had to know her name.  
  
"Who is that girl, Rebeus?"I asked, pointing discreetly to Hermione.  
  
"Why, that's Hermione Granger. My very favourite student. I mean-one of them, anyway, aye, matey?"  
  
I would just like to mention that anyone that calls me "matey" will be forever more disdained in my books. Thus was the case with that Hagrid oaf. I was willing to give him every chance, but he just crossed the line. First using such a derogatory term about me, then killing students and setting giant snakes loose, the man is just no good. Anyhow, I finally had a name to put to that wondrous vision.  
  
"How old is she, Rebeus?Fith year?"  
  
He laughed. "Mentally and academically, yes. But now, she is just a second year,"  
  
I was agape. I believe there were laws against this kind of thing! But love is love, and when it comes down to it, age is of no matter. I loved that girl, and no force of heaven nor hell would impede me. I knew she would requite me, one look at her fawning over me proved that. She was in Gryffindor, my house, had I been at Hogwarts for any prolonged period of time.  
  
I will take this time now to include a poem I wrote for her as soon as I got back to my chamber that fateful evening.  
  
Never had I seen such beauty but in my mirror Looking at you was a wonder I had never prepared for You jolted my insides, crept into my mind I was so shocked, I was in awe Of your physical beauty, your mind and pleasant wit Your beautiful eyes, your hair a little bit, Let me into your arms, open your heart Hermione Granger, learn to love Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
Yes, awfully good, isn't it? I liked the way I rhymed heart with hart best, I think. Hermione Granger had taken over my mind and I lacked the foresight to see how disastrous it would turn out to be. 


	4. Gilderoy Lockhart, Hogwarts Professor

Chapter four-Gilderoy Lockhart, Hogwarts Professor  
I awoke early the next morning so I had time to ensure that every lock of my golden hair was in place for my first class, which was not, unfortuantly, Hemrion'e second year class, instead a fourth year class I had been pre-warned about-A class containing three pupils called Gred and Forge Weasel or something, and Lee Jordan. Wonder if he is related to Michael Jordan?I must remember to ask him.  
  
Anyways, After making sure every strand was in place (which it was, of course), I entered the classroom and waited for the bell to ring. When it did, a large amount of young women (my pupils-hello!) filed eagerly into my class, than began fighting over the seats in the front.  
  
"Ladies, ladies. You can all see me. You can all hear me. Trust me, there's enoguh of me to go around"I said, ushering a few into the second-front tables, and heaving as one of them dropped in a dead faint as I touched her arm.  
  
It took ten miutes for the boys to file into my class, so I took ten points from Gryfindor of each of them.Hah!That wiped the smirk of their faces, in fact that smirk turned to grevious despair once they realized that none of them could hold a candle to myself.  
  
"Today, fourth years, I shall show you some of you greatest fears in this very room. This creature, in this cupboard (which began thumping dramatically), is a Bogart (Cries of "no, I'm not a Bogart, I'm Neville Longbottom stuck in this cupboard" came out of the key hole) and let's see what you make of it!"  
  
I opened the door, and sure enough, Neville Longbottom came tumbling out of it. "You locked me in there with Snape!"He accused shrilly.  
  
"Alright, you, Weasel, come forward"I said, dragging a red-headed (no taste there!) boy forward to the cupboard door. "Now don't be alarmed-nothing can harm you while I am here,"  
  
The Weasel boy strode forward, showing full signs of trust in me. He entered the cupboard, and a few minutes later, left, shaking.  
  
"There was McGogonall naked in there!"He shrieked  
  
"Ahh!"the rest of the class panicked, naturally, and ran out the door of the room, leaving me to deal with the boggart alone (dirty work!) The boggart was rocking the cupboard as I entered it. What form would the boggart take?I wondered.  
  
Of course, I was not afraid of a mere Boggart. I was as bold as daring as a man possibly could be. I held the dor open-and out walked the crew of Witch Weekly magazine.  
  
"How did you get in that cupboard?"I asked, thunderstruck. "Do you want a photo shoot or something?"  
  
"We are sorry to inform you that you haven't one this years most-charming- smile award, Gilderoy,"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"It wasn't until I remembered there was no chance of this ver happening that I realised it was actually the boggart.  
  
"Riddikulus!"I waved my wand, and nothing happened. "Damn wand,"I really needed to get another one. 


End file.
